Magical Girl Crystal Genocide chronicles the story of a magical girl navigating a new world in the aftermath of her and her fellow heroines’ literally earth-shattering mistake. With the audiobook of this quirky adventure releasing today, we here at Soundbooth Theater decided that we should have a magical girl team of our own. So, we asked some of the cast just what kind of magical girl they would be, and they did not disappoint. Introducing: The SBT Magical Girl Squad!
Dorrie Sacks is…
Magical Girl Unhinged Bunny!
Birthday: May 13
Fun Fact: She’s learning Russian
Catchphrase: Screaming
Hopping down the bunny trail of justice is a girl with long pink-red hair, large round red eyes, and a slightly concerning grin. She wears a white dress with a short flowing skirt and red and pink trimmings, plus red creeper shoes and red crystal jewels. This is Magical Girl Unhinged Bunny, and she is a force to be reckoned with. While she may consider “all annoying humans” her rivals, she mostly targets the forces of capitalism and people who are rude to service workers, which is good news for the rest of us. She is a master of sharp objects, hiding sneaky little blades in the bottoms of her shoes and throwing her gem-encrusted dagger without missing a beat. Her skills, combined with her superhuman agility and an eerily creepy laugh, prove that she is one tough bunny.
Laurie Catherine Winkel is…
Magical Girl Ponyboy Punisher!
Birthday: July 6
Fun Fact: Sleeps standing up. Or she would, if she ever slept…
Catchphrase: NEIIIIIIIGH!
You’ll recognize this onesie-clad magical girl by her many, many muscles… and her very cute high ponytail. She is the ultimate horse girl, quick to show off her magical saddle and sparkly comb to both allies and enemies. Even when faced with such horrifying obstacles as rabies, stray rusty nails, fleas, corrupt carnies, and leg injuries – even mild ones! – Magical Girl Ponyboy Punisher tramples evil beneath her hooves. Bad guys beware of her ultra-loud neighs and all-powerful tail whips, because when it comes to critical battles, this isn’t her first rodeo.
Andrea Parsneau is…
Magical Girl Mouthy Maven!
Birthday: May 31
Fun Fact: Maven has never actually used her nunchuck microphones; but they look cool, right?!?
Catchphrase: “‘Scuse me, Sorry!” Usually uttered after burping in the middle of a poignant monologue
Armed with nunchuck microphones and a can-do-attitude, Magical Girl Mouthy Maven can captivate and enthrall with her dulcet tones, weaving tales that would make Scheherazade jealous. Or conversely, if her foe is a bit more… uncouth… she will “absolutely smack a bitch. Hard.” Her uniform? Tailored as if she fell from a great height, her fall was broken by both a drag shop and a Jo-Ann Fabrics, and she decided, “Sure. That works.” Her rival? Silent Simian. Silence is strength, and this escaped library experiment is compelled to crush those weaker than he. Mainly, Maven. And yet, this 5’0” hero with 10 feet of personality always comes out on top (recall the aforementioned “bitch smacking”), making sure the world survives to vocalize another day.
Annie Ellicott is…
Magical Girl Insidudious Sweetness!
Birthday: February 14 💝
Fun Fact: She’s actually allergic to strawberries
Catchphrase: “Sweet dreams, sugar bear.”
Who is this sweet hero? It’s Magical Girl Insidudious Sweetness, who will dazzle you with her powers of enchantment, hypnotization, and paralyzation! She sports a short blonde bob and is clad in a red strawberry beret, pink leather jacket, a short pink denim skirt, and pink combat boots. But don’t let the cute outfit, big blue eyes, and sparkling smile fool you. She uses heart-shaped chocolates laced with arsenic and exploding love notes to take out her enemies. This includes Lord Queen-o-licious VIII, a shrewd, seductive, and powerful drag queen who is the eighth self-created clone of the original Lord Queen-o-licious. She is impervious to Insidudious Sweetness’ insidious sweetness, ‘cause you can’t play a player, and shoots lasers from the heels of her stilettos. But Magical Girl Insidudious Sweetness has some tricks up her pink sleeves, and she won’t back down until the day is saved.
Justin Thomas James is…
Magical Girl Beard and Balding!
Birthday: October 31 🎃
Fun Fact: The longer the beard grows, the balder he gets. When he loses all his hair, he will have reached max power
Catchphrase: “Condition!”
This is basically Justin, but in a school-girl uniform. A simple school-girl uniform with orange trim; nothing too complicated, as per his request. You don’t need a flashy outfit when you have a magical beard that can store anything. Just reach inside to access a whole other dimensional plane. Armed with a magical beard oil gun that shoots pine-scented oil to slick the ground and moisturize the dry cheeks of friend and foe alike, Magical Girl Beard and Balding wins battles with ease – especially against Soup Nazi 3000, an android from the andromeda galaxy who can shoot endless supplies of soup from a cannon, threatening all beards as we know them. You go, Magical Girl Beard and Balding!
No doubt, the world will be safe under the watch of this team of magical mavens. Let evil fear the might of the SBT Magical Girl Squad!
The Shattered Earth, Book 1: Magical Girl Crystal Genocide by Ravensdagger is now available on SBT Direct. Grab this adorable, action-packed adventure for just $9.99.